It Was Just An Accident!
by College Fool
Summary: Jaune tells Ren his side of the story of how a small accident with Ruby nearly led to an untimely death, and did lead to jumping out of perfectly good bullheads, shopping, and getting blown halfway across the harbor after being taken hostage by terrorists. And yet somehow he still doesn't realize the obvious. (One shot.)


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Jaune tells Ren his side of the story of how a small accident with Ruby nearly led to an untimely death, jumping out of perfectly good bullheads, and getting blown halfway across the harbor after being taken hostage by terrorists. And yet somehow he still doesn't realize the obvious. (One shot.)

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Ren? Ren! If you're there, open up, please! I'm begging you man, I don't have anywhere else to go I, I- oh thank Oum you're home, now shut the door. Quick, don't ask, just do it. If anyone asks, I'm not here and you haven't seen me all day. You have to hide me, please hide me!

Who? Everyone! Everyone's trying to kill me, and I don't want to die man! People die if they are killed! All our friends and even my own teammate and-

Nora, that's who, and- ohmygod I shouldn't have said that, you're going to kick me out now and throw me to the Nora and-

I didn't do anything to her, I swear! Or anyone else! Not on purpose, anyway!

She… might end up being on the front page of tomorrow's paper, and not in a good way?

I said it was an accident! Don't look at me like that, she fine! She was going to break my knees! And other parts! She-

EIIIIGH!

Nora calling, isn't it? Don't answer it! No, wait, do- and tell her I'm not here! Or- oh no, you're really answering it! What are you saying? You're just like all the rest! Sold out, betrayed by my own brother! Not even worth the thirty silver and- Ow!

Ow!

Ow- Ren, stop hitting me! I'm not joking, I'm really going to be killed if you-

Ow!

Okay.

Okay.

I am. I'm breathing now. In. Out. In. Out. Out. In… out…

Whoosh.

That was Pyrrha asking if I made it here safely?

Oh.

Sorry bout that.

Yes, I trust you. I'm not in my right mind right now. It's been a long day. I'm just a little stressed out right now.

Yeah. Maybe talking will help take the edge off it. It's been _really_ stressful.

Oh, thank Monty. Or you. Same difference. Thank you so much for letting me stay. You're the man, you're my bro, I owe you my life, or at least a week's worth of notes for Port's class. I-

Huh? Oh. Pyrrha told me about this place. I never knew you had an apartment in the city. It's almost like a safe club house, which is exactly what I need right now. How'd you get it?

A contest? What-?

Nora did _that_? Why am I not surprised? Nora would- wait, Nora knows about this place? Shit! I'm not safe here either! She'll find me and tell all the others and-

Ow!

I'll talk, I'll talk! And just- deep breaths. Deep breaths. Okay. Okay. Where do you want to start?

From the beginning? I can do that. Not like I have anywhere else I can go. I just-

Uh, Ren? I realize it's late for me to notice this, but are you sure you don't want to put a shirt on first?

What were you even doing here anyway?

Oookay. Right. Back to my story, starting from the top.

It's called dramatic framing. All the cool story tellers use it.

So it really started this morning with that regular team leader meeting I have with Ruby. Believe it or not, it's not all goofing off and gossiping about our teammates, we actually-

I'm a guy. Guys don't gossip. Ruby gossips. I just share charming anecdotes-

Dude, I went to school. I know what the word means. Now are you going to let me tell you the story you just insisted I tell you?

Right. So I just share charming anecdotes about my friends. All good stuff, I swear. Anyway, today rather than goof off or play a game, Ruby and I decided to have a training session. Yeah, yeah, sorry didn't tell you- it was kinda spur of the moment, and Ruby had this cool idea of a move for me to try. I wanted to surprise Pyrrha-

Alright, maybe I wanted to impress Weiss too if it worked out. So sue me. But I did want to surprise Pyrrha too at our next training match.

I do like training with Pyrrha! I love her for it, she- why do you have that expression on your face? There mildew in here or something? No? Anyways- yeah, I love training with Pyrrha. But I'd love to send her on her butt one of these days after all the times she's had her way with me, and- dude, you're doing that thing with your face again- and so, like I was saying, it wasn't all about Weiss.

So Ruby and I walk back from the training area, and we've got a good sweat going. It's hot, but not that hot, and I'm feeling good because I pushed Ruby a bit. She let me, sure, but she took some blows so I could get a feel for how it'd feel for how'd it work if it worked. I might not land many hits, but the ones I did showed, and so even if it looks worse than what it was I'm feeling good for leaving Ruby black and blue. Nothing aura and a few hours of rest won't fix. Good session, good day, and so I offered to treat her to desert after lunch as thanks. Reasonable thing to do for someone who helps you, right?

Wrong. It would have been so much better if I'd just said 'thank you' and left it at that. But that's not me, and I don't consider that a mistake of the day.

So Ruby and I split ways at our room, with a vague idea of meeting for lunch. Didn't specify where- stupid me, I know- but I didn't realize it then. So I do what any guy does after a good workout- I take a quick shower, freshen up, and then kill some time till it's reasonably close to lunch. Then I step outside the room… and realize I left my room key in the room. First real mistake.

Totally was, and you'll see why. Feeling a bit silly, since you and Pyrrha and Nora were all in town today for whatever, I decide I might as well go to Ruby's room and hang out there. So I go over and knock on the door, and guess who answers?

Oh, how I wish it was. No, worse.

Why'd you say Blake? I've got nothing against Blake- not until today anyway. No, it was Yang, and no one but Yang. Yang's in the room all alone, just chilling out, and not a cloak to be seen. I'm confused, and I ask "Is Ruby here?" and she tells me she hasn't seen Ruby since she got in. I'm thinking 'Maybe Ruby went ahead to the cafeteria without me?', since her cloak isn't there, but then maybe she just stepped out for a bit. Didn't want to go to the dining hall, because you know how it is- so many ways to go there, we could be going in opposite directions and never meet. I figure Ruby'd get bored and come back eventually, so I'd best stay put, but I can't exactly go back to my room either on account of forgetting my room key. So I ask Yang if I can wait there, and she says okay and gives me the fourth degree.

It's Yang- what do you think it means? 'So I heard rumors you've been poking my sister with your sword.' 'What are your intentions with my little sister?' 'Curfew is at 4 pm- be there or be turned into a square.' 'If you make my sister cry you'll wish I just castrated you.' The usual deal, the usual threats. So we shoot the breeze, and all's good, right? She's even reading a comic one-handed, using the other for a dumbbell. God I wish she'd put the dumbbell down. Would have reduced my near death count by one.

No, I'm not exaggerating. You'll see in just a sec. So I'm waiting for awhile, and feel the need to go, and since Ruby's taking her own sweet time I ask Yang if I can use their restroom.

Yeah.

So I pick myself up and go off to their bathroom. I don't know if you've actually seen it or not, but it's basically just like ours, but mirrored. Now normally I'd knock or something, like in our room, but Yang's the only one there and I've been waiting for like half an hour.

Shut up, you're ruining the suspense.

Okay, so it's not really suspense at this point. Sue me. I open the door, and the first thing I see is the girls mirror with all the toiletries. I still don't understand why they need that many. The second thing I see when I look in the mirror is familiar red cloak, and I think dumbly to myself 'huh, Ruby left her cloak behind.'

Of course she didn't. What sort of story would this be if she'd done that?

No, the third thing I see is the water up to the brim of the bathtub, and my brain is moving faster than my eyes because clearly I am the dumbest strategic genius alive. 'I see,' I think to myself. 'Ruby must have taken a soak rather than a shower to help her muscles relax.' And being the _genius_ detective I am, I go 'and it must have been recently too, because the tub is still full of water.' And the reason it's filled to the brim is because, drum roll, please…

Yup. Completely naked.

I swear- even if she and Yang and anyone else will say otherwise- she's the one who screamed. I don't know how she woke up just then, maybe she heard me open the door, but the next thing I see is silver eyes going wide.

No, I didn't wake her with my own scream. Didn't I just tell you she's the one who screamed?

Yeah, let's not forget about Yang. Even if she wasn't exactly on my mind right then, I had other things on my mind.

Not like that. Yes, I'm aware that this sounds like a good thing for most guys, but I'm not most guys and Ruby isn't most girls. She's my friend. Part of being friends respecting boundaries and not seeing things she doesn't want me to, and I can very safely assume this counts.

What's that expression for? You don't believe me?

I fully admit I'm a growing boy dealing with hormones, but I'd like to think I wouldn't stare at Weiss in similar circumstances and I wasn't going to perv on Ruby either. Not only is she two years younger than me, but she's one of my best friends and we had bigger problems.

No, not with her. Hers were fine. Give her a few more years and those curves- damnit!

Stop chuckling. I hate you. This? This isn't me blushing. This is me hating you so much right now. Can we please move on to the imminent threat of Yang?

Right. So, I admit it took me a moment or three too long to turn around. I was shocked, okay? I wasn't just distracted by… you know. But I managed to look aside and shove my hand to my face-

No, I didn't peek through my fingers. I was turned around by then. We're moving on, Ren.

-and stumble out, mumbling apologies even as Ruby reached out and grabbed… god, I'm going to hope she was grabbing for her cloak and not by Crescent Rose right beside it. It didn't even occur to me right then.

Why? Because Yang, of course. After my- I mean, Ruby's!- scream, she's looking up and paying attention, even as she's still holding that damn dumbbell so tight her knuckles are white. Didn't take long to put two and two together, because by the time I uncover my eyes it's to see hers already red. Near death experience number one followed immediately after, and I think she actually bent the dumbbell before throwing it she was gripping so hard.

Okay, wise guy- do you think _your_ aura would stop a thirty pound dumbbell thrown with enough force to punch through a wall? Goodwitch might get upset about the wall, but not as upset as I'd have been if it were my head. Still, I was pretty impressed- did you know that Pyrrha's sponsors actually approached Yang with an offer to get into boxing?

True stuff. Pyrrha was kind of embarrassed to be passing it along, actually, and Yang turned it down because they had this strict ethics code and it would have meant dropping out of Beacon and giving up drinking.

Well, I can still think she's impressive even if she tried to kill me today.

So my fellow blonde is pissed, and I can't blame her honestly, but I can blame her for being in the way of my escape route. Yang's reckless when she's berserk, but she's not _stupid_ if you know what I mean. She got between me and the door, knowing I'd want to go out that way. Of course, I want to stay in an enclosed room with an angry Yang even less, especially when she's shouting about honor and defilement and stuff, and the only good thing is that with Yang between me and the door she's no longer by the window.

Yup, right through. No, it wasn't already open. Thank god for aura. Managed to stick it with a pretty sweet landing roll, though, and came up in a sprint.

Huh. Now that you mention, what floor _do_ we live on? I honestly can't remember right now, not that it mattered then either.

Wow. Really? That really was a sick roll then. Gotta thank Pyrrha for it- you're supposed to do it with a shield, but I didn't have mine on me. I'd wondered why I had so much of a head start then. I wondered why she didn't just jump on out after me when she was shouting what she was going to do to me like that. I thought she liked me!

Huh? Yeah, I remember that guy. Rumor was he was taking upskirt photos, right?

The flagpole? Really? Yang really must like me if she was shouting about make it painless. Anyways, I digress. So I'm off running, with the immediate goal of 'anywhere that isn't in reach of Yang.' I thought about running to a teacher, but that'd require explaining why and opening up myself to sexual harassment of some sort. I'm already close enough to the bottom of class to not want to give that any excuses. I thought about trying to lose her within the school, but figured she'd just barge through walls if she had to. Thought about calling in a favor and hiding out in Team CRDL's room-

Hey, I didn't actually do it. I was desperate, not stupid.

What's that supposed to mean?

Ultimately I decided that the only safe place to be in Beacon at the time was to, well, not be in Beacon. I had the lead, and the time, and so off to the shuttle port I go. What can I say? A man's got to do what a man's got to do to survive, even if he has airsickness.

I know, it really is common, am I right? I- oh. Sarcasm. Right.

So I get to the airdock and low and behold, Blake's there, just reading a book as she waits for the airship. I wasn't going to bother her anything, didn't want to give any hint that something was up, so I just nonchalantly waited as the shuttle to Vale approached. Wasn't going to say anything, but somehow she noticed me anyway and actually bothered to put down the book to look at me and ask me what I was doing.

Okay, I _might_ have been hiding in the bushes as a precaution. Might have made her curious.

Well, it quite possibly saved my life, so I am totally okay with that. Because no sooner does ask what's up- okay, she didn't use those exact words- then Yang sees Blake and shouts a question of if she's seen my worthless hide. So there we are, Blake with this sardonic-

Dude, seriously, I know what words mean.

Uh, not like the dictionary definition, but I know how to use it!

Fine. Blake has this ' _expression'_ on her face, one that's grimly mocking and cynical, and asks what I did. And I'm there, half-in a bush, and I clap my hands together and beg-slash-explain 'So I kinda accidentally walked in on Ruby on the bath, so please don't tell Yang I'm here so I can fly out of here till she cools off.'

What do you think she did? She turned and shouted to Yang that I was right there!

No, she wasn't angry. Not… _catty_ or anything. She looked bemused more than anything else- just kinda shrugged and said 'she'll drag me into this until she finds you.' I'm so glad that my life and well being were less important than her lazy afternoon and chance to read a book. Remind me why she's our friend again?

Sounds about right. And even if she didn't help, and almost got me killed, she didn't stop me or anything. I think she was just being lazy. So Yang is approaching from one direction, and I'm fleeing in the other, but I know I can't outrun Yang. That jogging routine she's got is no joke, and she wasn't jogging either. So I had to take a chance on something I was pretty sure she wasn't familiar with, and so I jumped through a service door at the airship dock, down into the maintenance section and towards the hangers they have underneath Beacon.

It was kinda cool, actually. More 'Students Not Allowed' signs than you know what to do with- and they even got snarky after the first few, with signs like 'And This Means You!' 'Seriously, Go Back To Class!' 'Detention With Ms. Goodwitch For All Unauthorized Students Beyond This Point!'

No, I'm not joking, someone actually put that up. Probably just a gag, but hey- detention with Ms. Goodwitch if I get caught is better than being killed by Yang if I get caught. So I dip behind doors, turn some blind corners, go behind a cage… and find myself in the Bullhead staging hanger. And guess who I find, except a bunch of Bullheads spinning up and ready to go on some sort of training mission?

It was a figure of speech. I didn't actually mean for you to guess.

Getting to that. So I just calmly kinda walk over towards one of the Bullheads ready to go. Mechanics everywhere, but apparently no one stops you if you look like you know where you're going and aren't afraid to be there. Which I totally wasn't, because I was way more afraid of being somewhere else. Besides, probably thought I was just another student on a mission, which I was kinda, so who cares? And so I jump in the first Bullhead I can, and guess who I find?

No, you can actually guess this time. Need a hint? It's one of the only teams we know, begins with a C, isn't CRDL…

Ding ding ding! CFVY it is! They're surprised to see me, but they're cool, and I swear Velvet is the sweetest thing ever, said exactly the right thing. "Oh! Jaune!" she goes, looking not at all unhappy to see me. "I didn't realize you were the underclassman we were taking! I thought this was for second-years!"

What did you think I said? I did what I did to get into Beacon and lied my ass off, of course. Made up on the spot that there was a change of plans, that Ms. Goodwitch thought I could use the demonstration of some excellent students to motivate me to do better. Subtle flattery, don't you know. I don't know if Coco believed me, but she was willing to pretend that she did, and told the pilot to take off already. Didn't even pay attention when Yang was racing into the hanger as we took off- she was waving, but they couldn't hear her yelling over all the engines, so they just accepted me as always.

Huh? You didn't know? Well, I guess you and Nora do disappear together to do your own thing all the time. When I'm not hanging out with you guys or Team RWBY, I sometimes hang out with Team CFVY.

It's because of Velvet, of course. Guess helping her with Cardin must have made a good impression, even if she could have kicked his butt any time if she really wanted to, but all of CFVY's cool. Coco's got style, liked that I stood up for her little girl, and she's been giving me some tips on being a better team leader and stay a miniscule fraction as cool as she is. And fashionable, but the hoody is non-negotiable. Still, she's the one who suggested Ruby and I meet for Team Leader meetings and like. Sometimes she drops in too.

Okay, so maybe today wouldn't have happened if she hadn't, but I don't blame her and I don't regret making friends with Velvet.

Fox and Yatsuhashi are cool guys. Different sort of cool than Sun and Neptune, but the sort you can look up to, you know? You could use the same words to describe them- 'strong silent types'- but it means different things. Like, Fox doesn't talk much but he's got cool eyes and a wicked deadpan if you can get it out of him. He also totally treats Velvet like a little sister. He kinda makes me think of what you could be, if you decide to become a badass.

Sorry. 'More' of a badass.

And humble too. But back to guys other than you, Yatsuhashi's the other sort of strong and silent type, more about honor and self-restraint. Closest thing I have to a male role model here at Beacon, even if we're totally different, but damn if he's not cool.

Try not to look so jealous, Ren.

Yeah, he's definitely not from Vale- he likes to speak in proverbs or make profound expressions- but he's a surprisingly good chess player for such a big guy, and a softie too. I swear, one match he made me bet that I'd address all of CFVY more respectfully and add '-sempai' to everyone. Inner nerd right there, I swear. I'd say he's like the brother I never had, but I already got you, don't I?

Yeah, you should have seen his face when I told him that. The manliest tears never shed.

I was getting to her. What can you say about Velvet? She's not what I expected. I mean, you see her, getting her ears pulled by Cardin and asking him to stop, and you think 'what a sweet girl, no one could possibly be that nice, I want to help her.' And then you do help her and get to know her, and she _is_ that nice, but you also learn that 'sweet' means 'I am too polite to kick your ass in public.' And believe me, she can kick really, really hard.

Uh, sparring? My prize from that bet meant I get to watch CFVY train sometimes, try to get ideas, and let me tell you it really drives in how far we have to go. Like, Team RWBY's great, but give it a few more years and they'll be awesome. Pyrrha might edge out any of them one-on-one, but I wouldn't bet against them if it were two-on-one. Especially if Velvet was one of them- no metal.

No, I wouldn't spill Pyrrha's secret like that. But Velvet is a friend, and a badass under that cute fuzzy bunny exterior. She's also pretty normal. She's got shows she likes, books she reads, a guy she likes but she won't tell me about. She's got a sense of humor- actually rooted against me that one game with Yatsu, saying she'd make me call her Bunny-sempai. Oh, and she's also got a hobby- she's into photography. Asked me to model a couple of times-

Why do you have that expression on your face?

Dude, she _liked_ the onesie. She laughed, and not the 'haha Jaune you're so stupid' laugh, but she actually thought it was cute. Said it was too adorable not to hug. Which was weird, but it reminded me of my sisters, who got me the damn thing. So I don't care what anyone else says, she has good taste.

Why yes, Coco did say she was biased. In a deadpan too. How did you know?

You know what? I think we're off track. Way off track. Where were we?

Right. My 'flight' from Beacon. Not too much to say- I strapped in, we flew, and shot the breeze. Or they did- I was trying not to be airsick. Mixed blessing of being right by the open door. At least Velvet rubbing my back kept me pointed away from her if the worst happened, and all the while I was trying to subtly ask what they were actually doing. Turns out, airship jumping- as in, practicing jumping out of perfectly good Bullheads. It's a skill- who knew?

Well, obviously us, since we did it at the Breach. But still. Anyways, it seemed like things were looking up for me. Out of range of Yang? Surrounded by friends who could hopefully fight her off? Not even the fact that they'd seen Yang running after me made a difference. I was home free, and learning something cool to boot.

Don't worry, it goes downhill soon enough, even if it seemed so good at the time. Sigh, why couldn't they have just dropped me off at Vale? So this airship jump training- it's not just on jumping _out_ of Bullheads. Jumping out of a bullhead is like landing one- anyone can do it.

'Land' means 'stop flying,' right?

I'll gladly go to flight college if you pay for it, you fool. So, sticking the landing rather than just sticking to the ground is the hard part. And today's session was sticking the landing… on other airships. Yeah, air-to-air boarding. Told you it was cool.

I don't know- hostage rescue? Airship hijacking? Jumping onto huge airborne Grimm? Point is- they were jumping from Bullhead, to Bullhead, and making it look easy. I mostly just watched, but Velvet did a tandem jump with me-

Why does it matter who was front? Seriously, what is with that look on your face?

Well, my stomach was miserable, and I did let it go one time while we were flying over the warehouse district. There were some people walking around, and, well… there was this one girl, boobs big enough you could tell it was cleavage from five hundred feet up. If her hair wasn't green before, it was now. So I didn't quite get to master my stomach, but it was cool training. Mission accomplished, and since we were out over the harbor anyway I thought they could just drop me off on Vale. You know, lay low for awhile.

Yeah, I made the mistake of saying that, and it made them remember Yang running up as we left. At first said she was just jealous I got the chance, but I also implied that I might have played a prank on her involving shower materials that she might not have appreciated.

Dude, 'will not go back on my word' does NOT mean 'my word is always and totally honest.'

Don't worry, my little white lie caught up with me soon enough because there was a scroll call for Coco. Guess who?

Yup. I'm going to forever think of that as the 'Iced Coffee' expression- how she went from warm and shooting the breeze to Damn. I didn't notice at first, since I was fighting the airsickness and Velvet was giving me another back rub. I was thankful, really, and starting to ask if I could treat her and the rest of the team to pizza or something as thanks for the training and the trip. You know, pay back people for good things. But Coco whispered something to Yatsuhashi, and then came to Fox, and I swear you could FEEL a chill come over. I'm surprised Grimm didn't respond, though Velvet did when Fox grabbed her and pulled her back.

If I remember correctly, I think Coco's exact words were- and this was with the bitterest smile I've ever seen- 'Jaune, what's this I hear from Yang about you ruining the honor of her little sister?'

Yeah, it was definitely deliberate. Yatsuhashi's all about propriety and self-restraint, and playing the little sister card had Fox practically hugging Velvet protectively, like I was going to jump her or something.

What do you mean I already did? All we did was- oh. Tandem jump. Save the puns for Yang, Ren. She's better at it.

It was meant to hurt. Which, coincidentally, is how Velvet looked- you'd think I got caught drowning bunnies or something. I made my defense, of course- that it was all just an accident- but Yang had already filled their heads with lies-

Okay, maybe not lies, but not the entire truth either. The only way Ruby got laid on was with my eyes, and- that sounded a lot worse than I intended, didn't it? Ignore that.

So Yang had already given her side of the story, and they weren't inclined to believe mine. The guys are glaring, Velvet looks like a dream was crushed, and Coco looks… more disappointed than anything. She wasn't going to mete out justice herself, but she made clear we were going right back to Beacon where Yang would be waiting. And that, my friend, is when I noticed something very, very important- we were flying above the other airships.

Well if they didn't want me jumping out of Bullheads in life-or-death situations, they shouldn't have taught me how!

Well, at least I made it. And it worked. They didn't even react before I was out, they were so surprised. Well, Velvet reacted, she looked scared, but Fox was holding her back. Since she didn't follow, I assume he didn't let go. Good man. I did see them stick their heads out and shout, but I was too focused on sticking my landing. I was on this one supply barge going towards Beacon, but from there managed to jump on the passenger ferry going from Beacon to Vale, and so it was like if Blake hadn't ratted me out a few hours earlier, because I was on my way to Vale.

Okay, technically I was a stow-away, but I had a ticket for the one I missed so I think it evens out.

Not much, really. It was a smooth flight, no one noticed me jumping on, and I finally had the privacy and opportunity to take that leak that started this whole mess. Yup, right into the bay. Feeling relieved in more ways than one, my heart rate calmed down by the time I was there. I just waited right before we made it to the docks, jumped down… and guess who I surprise?

Yes, Ren, you can really guess this time. Here's a hint- it's your girlfriend.

No, not my Mom. Do you think I'd have been sticking around Beacon if she were in town?

No, not Weiss. She comes in later. And seriously, dude- that was weak.

It was Nora and Pyrrha, alright? Our partners, our faithful friends, the people we trust with our lives through thick and thin-

Yes, I am setting up the irony. I already gave you foreshadowing.

Anyway, Nora and Pyrrha were apparently they were walking around town, shopping for- among other things - a giant stuffed sloth. Or would it be a stuffed giant sloth?

I kid you not. It was big.

Well, she had it, and Nora seems over the moon with her body-size sloth pillow, and is in the middle of trying to convince Pyrrha to get her own life-sized pillow when I drop down. Understandably they're surprised to see me falling out of the air. Well, Nora is, but Pyrrha is freaked and torn between worrying I'm hurt- which, thanks to my recent training, I am NOT!- and asking if I heard what they were talking about. Buying oversized bed pillows didn't make much sense to me, so denied it and just claimed I saw them as the ship was coming in and decided to join them. Nora accepted that, saying you and she do it all the time. Old habit, I take it?

One day you're going to tell that tale.

So I see they're carrying stuff, and being a gentleman I offer to help carry them. Normally I'd probably do that anyway because that's how I was raised as a guy, but I'll admit a selfish motivation to have some sort of safety and security. I figured I'd stick with them awhile, separate when they wanted to go back to Beacon, and maybe crash at a hotel for a week or two until it blew over.

I don't know, wait till someone else screwed up and everyone forgot about me.

I know! You could get Yang angry at _you!_ You could, I don't know, shave her hair while she slept or something. You're a ninja, right?

Then don't screw up and let her catch you doing it. Or just shave half her hair. Same effect.

Okay, okay, so her murdering you isn't any better than murdering me. What did you expect? Today's been a day where jumping out of a perfectly Bullhead without a parachute seemed like a good idea.

Back on topic… so I join the girls, and we walk around doing a little window shopping. Nora was talking about how she was going to be having a sleepover with a friend that evening, and and Pyrrha's in the market for some new clothes as well, and Nora decides that they could use a guy's opinion. Allegedly being one myself, I add value.

No, that's what she said.

Nora can be _mean_ when she wants to. But also clever, I guess, since Pyrrha apparently really needed help. Nora got some borderline immodest sleepwear for some sleepover she was intending, but Pyrrha must have gone through, like, a hundred outfits looking for something she liked.

No, I don't it's odd that Pyrrha spent half an afternoon modeling clothes for me. I'm her friend and she wanted an honest opinion. Besides, have you seen her wardrobe? She's got, like, two sets of clothes- her school clothes, and her combat clothes, and that's it. Girl needs something better.

I did tell her what looked good on her! Every single time!

Because it's always true! Ren, I know she's our teammate and all and that makes her like family, and I'll be the last person to creep on my best friend and partner, but… Pyrrha. Looks. Good. She makes everything look good, even a cereal box. She made an oversized jersey look sexy, let alone some of the things she chose, and I'm sure if she wanted to get some guy's jaw to drop she'd do it effortlessly. But she was never satisfied, and kept looking for something new. For what felt like _hours_ , man. Don't get me wrong, it was still a lot better than Yang finding me- but geeze, even Nora was getting fed up. Not with Pyrrha, but impatient with waiting in general, I guess.

Dude- seriously, knock it off with that face. What is your deal?

So shopping wasn't bad, but at the back of my mind I wasn't able to really relax. The threat of Yang coming by and cornering me in the woman's dressing room-

Uh, where do you think Pyrrha was going to show me her stuff?

Like I said, the threat of Yang showing up had me on edge and uneasy, so eventually I suggested we leave. Pyrrha seemed determined to find something she liked, but softened up immediately when I bribed her with the prospect of food.

Yeah, I was surprised too- not the girl I was expecting it to work on. I was just trying to do something nice for the people who'd helped me, but I didn't get much further than 'Hey Pyrrha, would you like to go somewhere to eat? My treat,' and we halfway to the register. She must have been really hungry- she didn't even bother to change back and just bought the clothes she was wearing. Nora was so thankful she started crying and making reservations for the first restaurant she could think of, dropping Weiss's name to get us in fast.

The Vale Central, why?

Mo-mo-months?! With a waiting list that long, I wouldn't even be able to afford an entrée! Hell, I probably couldn't even afford to work there! Why would Nora want to eat there?

I don't care how great the sunsets or view of the harbor are, that's way too classy! Now, if it were with Weiss, on the other hand…

Ow! What was that for?! Look, even if I'm happy that Weiss is happy with Neptune, my feelings don't go away that easily, alright?

Bastard. Sigh. Look, it was moot point anyway, because Weiss found us first.

Uh-oh is right. I guess the restaurant called her to confirm the reservation or something, because no sooner did we get to the waiting line than she and the bitch were there.

I'd never call Yang that! I still respect her, even if she tried to kill me!

Ren… that's just wrong. Racist even. Just because Blake's a faunus-

I'm talking about the _dog_ Ren. Ruby's _dog_. Zwei. Dog. Bitch. Pun. Trying to be clever here, you see?

What?

She's a he?

Oh.

Well.

Uh… that's embarrassing.

Well, _excuse_ me for not checking out the privates of every dog I see! Besides, it's not like it's my leg he's always trying to jump up when he comes over and…

Oh. My. –snerk-

Hahahahaha! No wonder you knew! I thought he was just trying to jump on your lap, but really he was hu-

Ow!

You know what? I don't mind that hit. I think it makes us even for earlier. Shall I go back to the story?

Yes, yes. So no sooner than we're in line than Weiss and the Little Leg Lover-

Okay, I lied. Now we're even.

Weiss and Zwei were there. Why Zwei was there, I'm not sure. I'm willing to bet Weiss borrowed him and was playing sleuth and that she- I mean, he- was her hound dog or something. She really likes that dog. Unfortunately, it was as unrequited as my love for her, because as Weiss starts pointing her finger and making all sorts of scandalous accusations, Zwei starts paddling his way to me without a hint of malevolence. Don't get me wrong, the moment she realized she'd been abandoned was hilarious, but it only made her angrier and I'm starting to freak out about how long it will be until Yang shows up as she goes on and on about my alleged misdeeds while people stared.

About what you'd expect if you mixed Weiss's temper with Yang's version of events. It started with "Jaune you low-life, how dare you steal Ruby's innocence?" and went on that I'd betrayed Yang's trust, betrayed sacred hospitability, and fled like a thief in the night. Somehow the Velvet series of events got to her, because she started going on about how I'd left Ruby to run off for some nefarious activity with Velvet, and left her crying as well before making my way over to Pyrrha. Now I was some villainous playboy using my wiles to deceive Pyrrha, while conspiring to steal Zwei away while I was at it.

Yeah, it was crazy. Heck, I was confused, and I'd been there. I don't know what the people in line were thinking, but some seemed to recognize Weiss and were taking photos of her. But maybe it was because it was all so crazy that Nora believed it.

Look, I know Nora's smarter than she lets on. But she got angry, dude- dropped the sloth pillow, pulled out Magnhield, everything. She really, really didn't like the playboy accusation and starting waving around Magnhield and going on about leading Pyrrha on. Leading to what, I don't know, but Weiss is shouting, Nora is shouting, I'm shouting back trying to make my case, and that turns into a three-way argument that I somehow win.

I can tell you're lying, but it's nice of you to say so.

So when I said it was a 'three-way argument,' what I really meant was 'Weiss and Nora argue about what should happen to me while I try to deny I deserve it.' Weiss wants to wait until Yang gets there, and boy does that get me nervous, but Nora just wants to bust my kneecaps now, and I'm at a disadvantage. But it turned around when Zwei came over. He decided to pick up the sloth pillow along his way, gave a 'woof', and jumped up on my chest. Next thing I know my arms are filled with a dog and a giant sloth pillow being used as a chew toy, and suddenly the arguing stops cold because someone goes "He's got a hostage!" Even the onlookers quiet, though cameras are still flashing.

No, I wasn't actually going to hurt- wait, how the world do you know that name?

You'll tell me eventually.

Anyways, I wasn't actually going to do anything, though Zwei seemed determined to turn him-

Her? How the- it's an oversized stuffed toy, Ren!

-though Zwei seemed determined to turn _**it**_ into his personal chew toy. Weiss is telling me to let the hostages go and take my beating like a man so that maybe Yang would be satisfied and only break one limb of my choice, and I'm desperate and being backed into a corner and warning them no sudden moves or Hadrian Snugglepoffumus the Third gets it.

Shut up Ren, it was serious. Yang was coming!

So I've got Zwei's head in my grip as if to use his teeth to tear its throat out, but really he's just happily gnawing on the thing as I pet him. Weiss clearly want to punish me as much for Zwei being happy in my arms as anything else, but Nora is holding her back, afraid I really will hurt Hadrian and-

Seriously?

Snugglepoffumus. The Third. And Oum did I die a little inside every time I had to say that name. Fortunately it was Pyrrha who came to my salvation- stalwart and true as always. After hearing my garbled version of events, she stopped looking angry and chuckled a bit and walked over between me and them. I don't know how she did it, Ren- all the cameras, all the witnesses, but she had this calm and grace like she was used to being the center of attention and was handling it masterfully.

Yeah, I know she's a celebrity, but it never really occurs to me, you know? Pyrrha's just Pyrrha to me, but this was one of the moments where she took my breath away. So Pyrrha chuckles a little and shakes her head and goes "Jaune wouldn't do something like that to Ruby, he's not that sort of guy. This is just Yang overreacting to an accident Jaune had no control over. Isn't that right, Jaune?" And I'm nodding even before she asks, and Pyrrha is the center of attention and the cameras and smiling so elegantly and calm and composed that I think I fell in love a little inside.

No, not really. It's an expression for how amazing she was. She's my partner as much as Nora is yours, Ren. But if I can ever find a girl half as great, I'll be a lucky man for life.

Dude, you okay?

Okay… so, Pyrrha's got the situation under control, or so I think, and so when Pyrrha asks me to put down the 'hostages' of course I do. I trust her, and she's trying to calm down the situation, and maybe I can get out of here with my bones, if not dignity, intact. But apparently there is a point to hostage taking, because no sooner do I put down Zwei- still happily chewing away- than Weiss yells "Get him!" and she and Nora charge.

No, I wasn't surprised, but there was a separate plan for my escape with this. See, Pyrrha's not usually the sort for flashy moves, but she humors me for the occasional buddy tag-team move that Ruby comes up with. Close-contact tandem drills, or whatever they're called. So I call out "Pyrrha! Position Six-Nine!"

You okay, man?

So I call out the formation and Pyrrha went low, blocking Weiss and Nora while I jumped over her. It was originally meant a one of those moves so that she could vault over me and attack someone on the other side while I attacked low infront of myself- Ruby saw it in a movie or something- but here it meant Pyrrha tripped Weiss and Nora while I got a running start in the opposite direction.

Nora landed on her pillow, and didn't seem inclined to give it up anytime soon even as Zwei left it and started after me. And Weiss, with that skirt… I was already running in the other direction as the cameras started clicking, and didn't stop to turn around. If there's a panty shot on the front pages of the gossip rags tomorrow, it's not my fault.

Well, what else was I going to do? Her scream was a very subtle hint that if it wasn't personal yet, it was now. And to make things worse, Yang was just around the corner. I could already hear Bumblebee.

Yup, Weiss wasn't lying when she said Yang was on her way. Even if she hadn't seen me she would have heard Zwei barking as he ran beside me, but there was nothing I could do about that. So I ran, and geography dictated what happened next.

Well, I obviously couldn't run uphill into Vale- I'd have tired myself out. And Yang was on bumblebee, so I had to try and avoid the streets. So was dodging downhill, through the alleyways, to the port. Swimming was as feasible as running outside the Wall, but really I was just desperate to keep away from Yang. She'd seen me by then, but couldn't catch me, so she was really pacing me on the roads on her bike. I got her off it when I dodged into this club, raced past all these surprised goons, and made it to the roof. By the sounds below they tried to stop her, and by then I was on the roof and leaping to the next building and… damn, now I realize how you all make those incredible leaps. But from then on, it was a chase on foot as I ran along walls and jumped over roofs.

Yeah, I was totally parkouring. It was great. If I get out of this alive, I might try it again some time.

No, Zwei was still there. Don't ask me how. Dog that small shouldn't be able to make those kind of jumps and flips. Show off.

So we're running, and even if I'm on fire and my second wind, Yang's still catching up. I had a head start, but even without Ember Cecelia she's got the endurance. I get a little time with the occasional dodge on an unexpected turn, but we're in the warehouse district and then I run through the White Fang base.

No, I kid you not.

Lots of faunus? Armed with weapons? Funky masks and ominous fang logo? Sitting on top of a lot of dust?

Look, if I knew, I would have called the police long ago. All I know is that there was a street gap too big to jump, and so instead of the next roof I aim for the warehouse window and find myself on a catwalk with a really surprised… I don't even know what type of faunus, really. I just landing a roll around his back, grab a rail to turn a sharp ninety, and he's spun so fast that he did a full three-sixty before Yang follows me in and lands on him with both feet. By that point I'm already past another three guards and they haven't even finished pulling their swords yet. I was going _fast_ , man. Pure momentum. I just knew that if I stopped, I wouldn't be able to start again.

You know what? I'm not sure she did realize. Even as some guy in a mask was going "Stop!", she was focused on me and cussing everyone else to get out of her way and bulldozing anybody who didn't.

Yeah, I kind of felt bad for them honestly. There you are, minding your own nefarious business in your own secret base, and two intruders burst in and don't even have the decency to pay you any attention.

So it was after running past yet another guy and shoving him in Yang's way that I started to realize that these might be some bad dudes, just before the first gunshots started going off. That scared me, but Yang's still scarier than a bullet aura can stop, but it did occur to me to jump down off the cat walks and try to take cover behind those crates.

Yeah. Those dust crates. Not that I knew that until someone shouted, "You idiots, if you shoot the dust we'll all blow up!" I think at this point Yang _might_ have started coming to her senses- she stopped shouting at me like me like she wanted to kill me and was just shouting my name- but I was already halfway down and couldn't exactly get back up even if I was inclined to risk being shot at and in arms reach of her. So I landed, ran behind a crate as the alarm started going off, and dodged through a door- right into the White Fang's women's locker room.

No, go ahead, laugh. This part's pretty funny. You know you've got a really secret base when everyone's trying to hide their identity _inside_ the base. Either that, or everyone in the White Fang has a fetish for those masks, but still. It must have been right around shift change when I came in, because the people who weren't on shift were already in the lockerroom grabbing weapons and uniforms to come out. Kinda stupid if you ask me- why not just grab the weapon and forget garb?- but then I'm not a fanatic, and we don't wear uniforms. Point is, I ducked in, and there's got to be at least, like, a dozen women in the process of changing. They look at me. I look at them. There's a silence for half a heart beat before I nod, deepen my voice, and go "Ladies."

Yeah, I thought it was nice too. Quiz time: if someone of the opposite gender runs into a changing room, what's your first response- to protect your modesty, or protect your secret identity?

About fifty-fifty, actually. But it was a trick question, because the only wrong answer would have been to attack the intruder. Which none of them did, surprised as they were, and so while they were screaming or covering their faces I zipped through and towards the far door. A few started screaming for other reasons, because that was the point that, for whatever reason, Zwei broke away from me and darted amongst the half-dressed faunus girls. Behind that cute, innocent expression is the soul of a very dirty dog, I tell you.

Yeah, I figured you'd agree to that, Mr. Legs.

So while Zwei started choosing new play toys, I was still moving forward and through the far door. Luckily there was an unsecured locker-cage in the next one, which I threw against the door as a barricade in a burst of adrenaline, and off I went, deeper into the White Fang base while the sound of Yang punching people sounded behind me. And yes, I was still more scared of Yang than the international terrorists.

Throwing the barricade bought me time but lost me momentum, and so my lack of breath was catching up to me. I was going slower, trying to breath, but it was hard to be stealthy, you know? But I tried, and pushed forward. Not sure what I was expecting- some secret conspiracy, a control center, or what have you- but ultimately I exited to a loading dock. Someone was doing a get-away, taking as much dust as they could, and in the bustle I tried to hide behind a crate… until it, too, was lifted. There I was, nothing to hide behind, and a dozen armed goons and a white-coated guy- none other than Roman Torchwick himself- looking at me like the biggest idiot of all time. They couldn't believe I was just standing there relieved to see them rather than Yang.

Not much to say. They had weapons, I didn't, and I was exhausted. A short beating later- that's where I got the black eye from, if you wondering- I was properly subdued and taken hostage.

No, really. I think they were realizing at this point that it wasn't some big police raid, and that it was just two of us who had stumbled in. I didn't talk or anything, but they realized we were together somehow and… I dunno. They were probably going to kill us both anyway, but Yang was still going berserk, and so they wanted to use me as a tool against her, as if she wasn't trying to kill me herself.

Okay, that was unfair. Is unfair. Whatever. Because she did stop. Roman rolls open the loading dock, all dramatic like, Yang looks at who the next challenger is as she throws away some other mook, and then… I'm thrown to my knees, a cane handle to my throat and Roman's hand on back of my head, as if to break it over. Yang's looking at me, and the look at her eye- I'm not sure if I saw my fear reflected in her eyes, or if it was all her, because the flames fizzle and die. It wasn't 'haha, Yang's mad, this is funny' anymore, it was 'Yang's so scary, a friend ran away from her and is going to get killed because of it.' That realization that if she hadn't chased me halfway across Vale over an accidental peep show, I wouldn't be about to die, or worse if she surrenders. And then Roman starts gloating- seriously, what is it with the gloating? Yeah, I'm a hostage, and I don't like it one bit, but seriously. But I'm in trouble, and because of me Yang starts to lower her guard and White Fang mooks start to approach cautiously, and this is Bad News with a capital T.

B. And N.

Well, that's the question, isn't it? That the mystery, and this is the suspense. How did I get from there to here, despite being held hostage and surrounded by dozens of armed mooks and without a weapon to either of our name? Maybe I didn't. Maybe I'm a ghost, here to haunt you with my tale, my real body dumped in the bay? Maybe I'm a figment of your imagination?

Or maybe- just maybe- I remembered that we were in a giant warehouse filled with very volatile dust.

Shoot it? I just pissed Yang off. And I had just the words to do it.

"Yang, I just want you to know… Ruby's got better boobs. I checked."

Fireworks doesn't even _begin_ to describe it.

You ever see Yang angry? Like, really angry? 'My name is Yang Xiao Long. You cut my hair. Prepare to die," level angry? Think that, and then some. All that guilt from a moment ago got added to the pyre as gasoline, and with one epic scream flames burst out and Yang exploded.

No, not the warehouse. Yang. Like Ruby on her first day of Beacon, and then some.

The explosion was all out, not in, that's all I'm saying. My last glimpse of Yang is of her brighter than the inferno around her as I'm flying through the air over the bay, because the explosion was pure force and we were thrown like rag dolls. I don't know about anyone else on site, but all around me in the air there are White Fang soldiers in their own trajectories, like a team of rockets. It-

What, something funny?

Even if they're all going up like fireworks, Roman's still got a grip on me. Tight, but he's as dazed as the rest since he wasn't expecting what happened like I was, and so I managed to get out of his grip in mid-air. He tried to grab and keep a hold of my leg, but I kicked him in the face until he let go.

Yeah, that's how I lost it. Master Gentleman Thief Roman Torchwick stole my shoe.

So everyone goes in their own directions, but I'm launched halfway across the bay. I know they say sea-Grimm don't get past the harbor defenses, but I've still got no desire to stick around the White Fang grunts for a water fight, and so I high tale it to shore and give a quick police call to tip them off about the White Fang swimming party. By that point my Scroll is lighting up, mostly by people I'm still more afraid of than not. I take the call from Pyrrha, who's worried since everyone's just seen the explosion at the docks, she tips me off that you might be at this safehouse here, and here I am. And that's the story of my no-good, totally awful day.

Totally true. All of it. Pretty sure I've got the witnesses to back me up. Most of them, at least.

Yeah, I guess I do feel better for sharing. Thanks for listening.

Bros are for exactly that. Thanks.

I dunno. Law low here until it blows over, I guess. I suppose the police will want to know about the White Fang, but it really was an accident and I didn't see anything we didn't already know. Till then, I'd really, really appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone from Team RWBY about this place. If the photos at the hotel are what I think they were, I've got a feeling I'll need to be hiding from a certain Schnee after the paper comes out tomorrow. Maybe the Schnees can the papers, but-

Yeah, not holding out hope on that. Maybe the explosion will take it off the front page?

Wait, did you hear that? Who's that at the door?

Answer it, I'll hide in your room.

Ruby!

I'm so, so sorry, I didn't mean to I swear! Do you want to kill me? Tell me how horrible I am? Never want to be friends again?

Really?

You do?

And is Zwei-?

Oh, thank Oum. And thank you, thank you! I never wanted to see you like that, and I never want to again. I hated looking at you-

Wait, no, don't look like that. That came out wrong. There was nothing wrong with you, you looked really great and I-

Sweet Monty, it's happening again. You know what I mean. I hope. You're giggling. Shutting up now.

So we're good?

We're not?

Velvet's mad? Er, I didn't think-

Ouch.

No, you're right. I panicked. It really was reckless.

Really? She did that when they got back?

Yeah, I really do owe her an apology. And thanks too. I'll make it up her- to everyone- when I get back.

Was just talking about that with Ren now. Thinking I'll stay here till it blows over.

But your sister wants to kill me. And Weiss will tomorrow, if she doesn't already.

Long story, but I think you'll agree it's not my fault. Why'd they change their minds?

Ruby, how could you?

To practice with Velvet! Not- not _blackmail!_

No, no, no problem. No objection here, ma'am.

…can I see them?

Love to. I owe you one- or two, I guess.

That many? How'd you get-

Look, I said I'm sorry! Mercy! Please?

Thanks. And for coming out here. Glad you're not mad over… you know.

No worries, it happens to everyone. I'd probably fall asleep in a tub right now if you gave me a chance.

Going back for some rest sounds good, but I'm famished. Never did get that lunch we agreed to. Any chance we could swing by and pick something up on the way back?

Don't worry. After what I've been through today a short bullhead ride back to Beacon won't hurt. If I don't overeat I'll be fine.

Heh, I thought you'd offer that. Anything else? I- hey, how _did_ you know where to find us anyway?

Yes, there _is_ a perfectly good reason that Pyrrha is walking around wearing a shirt that says "Ask me if I like blondes." It's- are you ok, Ren? That's a nasty cough. Never mind, Ruby, I'll tell you while we walk.

Sure. I'll meet you at the door. Let me say bye to Ren, okay?

See you in just a sec.

Well, guess it all worked out, but it was a pleasure Ren. Thanks for letting me hide her for a bit, and for listening. Sorry I distracted you from… whatever you were doing.

Still not sure why you wouldn't want a shirt while doing that. But if you weren't using it, mind if I borrow yours? Or at least a pair of shoes? These aren't totally dry yet.

Fine. Be like that.

I'm joking too, bro. Thanks. And, er, while I'm asking for things- any chance I could get a loaner from you? I can pay you back when we get back, but I'm not sure anyone will take soggy lien right now.

Well, it's only proper for the man to buy the ferry ticket for the lady, but I also want to treat her to dinner, on top of those cookies for desert.

What's chivalry got to do with anything? She's a friend and it's the least I can do to thank her for forgiving me.

Of course I'd pick some up for you too. You're a friend and you helped me too. What kind do you want?

Seriously dude, what is with that face?

It's totally not weird. She's a friend just like Pyrrha and Velvet.

No, _you're_ weird and oblivious, Mr. I'll-surprise-Nora-by-plumbing-her-pipes-while-shirtless.

/

 _Fin_

/

Author Note:

Over 10 thousand words in a single chapter? This might be the longest chapter I've written.

Did it work for you? It's a bit of a challenging read- only half of a conversation- but I think that's why it works once you do get a handle on it. Filling in the ambiguities yourself, imagining what Ren is saying, and just trying to imagine the sequence of events are all part of the charm.

I wish I could claim genius in coming up with this, but I can't. The style, and much of the framework, come from a very old (like, 2007) Digimon fanfic "I Didn't Mean To" by Bohemiat, who's sadly a long stopped writer. Yes, I was a fan back in the day. Good character development arcs even looking back. And fanfic style doesn't require permission, but I encourage you to give it a look if you're curious. It's in my favorites list.

So this was a RWBY twist on a personal favorite, and I hope you enjoyed it too. Dropped a lot of little jokes along the way, and a personal favorite reoccurring one was what I like to imagine as Ren's deadpan. Pyrrha's shirt was probably my favorite joke, though, since it worked on so many levels- what Jaune's thinking, what Pyrrha and Nora are thinking, your imagination of how the shopping ended, and then the brick joke at the end when the t-shirt is actually described. Jokes on that many levels are the best.

Agree? Disagree? Leave review and share your thoughts, and what worked best for you.

Cheers,

C.F.


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